I recently
took in a big, beautiful cockatoo in need of a new home. A cockatoo is the big, white parrot the TV character
Baretta had on his shoulder. They are
beautiful, beyond loud, and formidable.
That beak can really hurt!
This has not
been easy and I have been reduced to tears more than once. Luckily I keep
learning and receiving new tools and insights.
The latest insight is that I had let the bird have dominion over
me. I didn’t realize that having him on
my shoulder or stroking the soft, warm skin under his wings could translate
that I was giving him dominance. I did
however feel how bad it was to be dominated when he bit my neck or screamed his
displeasure. Not a pretty feeling! Also he was getting more and more stressed in
his pursuit of dominance.
The interesting
thing though was not so much that I allowed him to dominate, but that I had
given up my freedom to have dominion over myself. I found myself running to appease him when he
screamed because well it’s really, really loud and disturbing. I found myself spending way more time than I wanted
to in the office where he lives to the detriment of meal prep and family
time. I had given over my freedom and
happiness to a feathered tyrant. He didn’t
ask me to. I had given it over and the
more I gave, the more he demanded.
Naturally this has not been conducive to a loving, mutually beneficial
relationship. It has built stress and
resentment in both of us!
You would
think the solution would be for me to dominate him and traditional thinking
would say exactly that. But it doesn’t
have to be like that. I don’t need to
dominate him. I just need to take care
of my freedom to be my authentic self.
When I do that; when I am fully, powerfully, vibrantly myself, I do not
give the bird dominion over me or my freedom.
I go to the office when it feels good for me to do so, taking in the
birds need for company, but also my need to balance how much I am in there. I
find creative solutions like taking him with me to other rooms but not allowing
him my shoulder. I offer him other
perches instead and I keep offering them rather than giving my shoulder over to
him which feels unsafe and impinges on my freedom. I persevere and am firm in what I am willing
to offer.
I’m sharing
this bird story because it feels like such an important lesson in the current
times. Whether in relationship, work or
politics responding by trying to dominate the other only makes a bad situation
intolerable. Conversely taking care of
each of our individual rights and freedoms, our authenticity and power, while
finding solutions that honor the common good is a doable way for us all to
thrive.
We are never
truly able to dominate others. It is not
our right to do so. It is abhorrent to
our souls. Taking care of our right to
be free and powerful and authentic is what each and every one of us can do, at
home, at work, in community, in communion, in communication, and in
action. It is a sacred contract for us
all to learn how our freedom and power enhances the freedom and power of
others, how to be true stewards of our good and the common good as one.
I don’t need
to dominate the bird I take care of in order to take care of myself. I just
need to stand up and make adjustments that don’t allow him to dominate me and
honors both our needs. In the negotiation process we have both found peace and
balance, safety, esteem and love.
